You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Wordplay hides a key to reality that the dictionary tries in vain to lock inside every free word.

When I look in the mirror, I see someone who will accomplish amazing things

I suppose it's something to do with her black-brained religion not to take care of the body.

It's funny because it's funny.

We all have a tendency to think that the world must conform to our prejudices. The opposite view involves some effort of thought, and most people would die sooner than think in fact they do so.

You aren't going to stick around long with just two pitches

Art is really whispering, not shouting.

You don't solve anything ever, really. You simply state a problem which, when you're lucky, gives you some idea of what possible problems you can - it indicates, you know, your future headaches.

In all fiction, when a man is faced with alternatives he chooses one at the expense of others.

Truth is not truth merely because it is ancient. Nor is truth necessarily to be regarded with suspicion because it is ancient.