You only think of the best comeback when you leave.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

When I encourage someone, I see it as an investment in their resilience.

In any situation, there is a sacred-solution.

Old boys have their playthings as well as young ones

You don't get happy by sitting around going on, 'Oh this is a horrible situation, what to do?' You've got to find the courage to change that. I think change is extremely hard for people.

The blest to-day is as completely so, As who began a thousand years ago.

Rome is all things high and low. It is like God, it accommodates so much.

She shouldn't speak her thoughts; nothing good ever came of speaking your thoughts.

I think no one knows my politics.

Facts are lonely things.

I always go back and do theater. I love it. It keeps an actor improving in a way, it sort of keeps your craft alive, if that makes sense.