You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

There are two ways to find a lost city. The first is to rely on luck alone, the second is to control all the information.

Can’t we do better with Applicant Tracking System (ATS) software?

Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you. If they speak, you break down.

Run my dear, From anything That may not strengthen Your precious budding wings.

Where is the raised voice of black America? Why are we mute?

We must take root; send out some little fibre at least, even every winter day.

I don't take PAC money. I don't take special interest money.

Trophies separate the winners from losers, and life is about winning and losing. Go into business and you see. You're competing every day.

To live without history is to live like an infant, constantly amazed and challenged by a strange and unnamed world.

The adage that fact is stranger than fiction seems to be especially true for the workings of the brain.