"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

Because the culture we breathe and work in rushes against rest. It equates our worth with production and wealth and fame. The more we work toward those goals, the more society assigns us worth.

I think somehow we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.

I'm hardly famous. I wouldn't want to trade places with anyone else.

We all have the duty to do good.

We too often bind ourselves by authorities rather than by the truth.

I remember my dad asking me one time, and it's something that has always stuck with me: 'Why not you, Russ?' You know, why not me? Why not me in the Super Bowl?

Weirdly, I'm not a horror fan.

Nobody respects a country with a poor army, but everybody respects a country with a good army. I raise my toast to the Finnish army

If you settle for what you've got, you deserve what you get.

If heaven existed as a physical building on earth, human beings would remodel it to make it right.