You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

When we think of all the beatitudes in life, our heart shall be merry.

You can create financial abundance by having a positive relationship with money.

In a Consciously Conscious Revolutionary Workplace, people are promoted based upon skillset, AND more importantly MINDSET

In their minds, it seems as though people don't often have the same answers, but in their hearts, they do very frequently have the same questions.

How convinced are you that man was created in the image of God when you can't see the image of God?

Christ said there is a happiness in that acknowledgement of spiritual poverty which lets God come into our souls.

I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.

Baseball is probably the world's best documented sport.

If the Eagles were to get back together, it would have to be for the right reasons. I think it would look awful if it were just for the money.

If you must make a difference in life, then change your mind set.