You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

War is always an adventure to those who've never seen it.

Oh Maker, what did they really say about your black creation? I think you made a beautiful work of art on a canvass of rebellion. Hey, Maker! We are still selling out!

Some women feel the best cure for a broken heart is a new beau.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

Fear is a belief - beliefs can be changed.

Thoughtfulness is like a glue that hold a married couple together. Be creative and consistent in finding thoughtful ways to show your spouse that you love them and they are always on your mind.

Success comes from persistently improving and inventing, not from persistently promoting what’s not working.

Every instant of time... is a pinprick of eternity.

Many a serious thinker has been produced in prisons, where we have nothing to do but think.

The people who eat the most animal protein have the most heart disease, cancer and diabetes.