You're supposed to be made in His image, and yet you're all such ungrateful pieces of filth. You only bow your heads when you want something.

Why is edamame always ready to expire? It´s so urgent for a vegetable. Edamame. It sounds like an assisted form of suicide. Is there an advertising concept in this?

There is an old Russian saying. 'A serpent changes his skin, not his fangs.

My senior year of high school, I was voted Wittiest. So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

I always believe when your political opponents are committing suicide, there's no reason to murder them.

Indeed, only one Supreme Court justice in history, one Horace Lurton, nominated by President [John] Taft, had more federal appeals court experience [than Samuel Alito].

...the more you talk of it, the less you understand.

All you need to do to be a bit sexier is to smile once in a while!

Black people beating whites when a thug got shot holding a gun by a black officer haha (expletive) cracks me up! Keep kneeling for the anthem!

My theory of hitting was just to watch the ball as it came in and hit it.