You're used to a TV show, and TV is just made for TV shows. It's not made for live events.So anyways, I was resistant to it, but I did it anyway.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.

Rodeo Drive is a giant butterscotch sundae.

People say both Obama and I have trouble laughing at ourselves. We can't laugh at ourselves. That would be racist!

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

The first beginnings of wisdom...is to ask questions but never to answer any.

You need to get ready because I have explosive blessings coming your way.

I'm half Jewish, I'm half black, I look in-between. I dress funny. I play all these different styles of music on one record. It's like, What is he doing?

[My father] was very impressed when he saw "Death of a Salesman," I must say. He recognized himself to some extent.

Malice is only another name for mediocrity.