You read [Bill ] Maher's book, and he didn't take Econ 101. All his arguments about gasoline, it's not that they're right or wrong - they're just not informed.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

Believe reality is what you were taught was myth.

Gray hairs signify old age, not wisdom.Muscles signify strength, not health.Laughter signifies amusement, not joy.Weeping signifies pain, not weakness.Smiling signifies courteousness, not love.

Don't give up too early because everyone is ahead of you and you are far behind them. Set a standard for yourself and keep beating that standard regularly!

Since when has corruption everywhere, homes, streets, offices, become a Nigerian factor

Why does the eye see a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination when awake?

I am not the Jesus of the official church tolerated by those in power. I am not your superstar.

Once you go inside and weed through the muck, you will find the real beauty, the truth about yourself.

I think there's a down-to-earthness with Midwesterners and with people from the Midlands - which is where my family is from - in Ireland.

I was lucky that when Lorne Michaels came looking for women comedy writers, there werent too many in New York at the time. I was at the top of a very short list. I think that was all good fortune.

Coolidge is a better example of evolution than either Bryan or Darrow, for he knows when not to talk, which is the biggest asset the monkey possesses over the human.