You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes." That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being a "joke thief," I just tell them to come to one of my shows.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

A girl has to have a beautiful smile, Beautiful eyes and she should have a good sense of humor. She should be honest, loving and trustworthy.

Not always actions show the man; we find who does a kindness is not therefore kind.

Religion, it is true, still possesses the huge if cumbersome and unwieldy advantage of having come first.

I really hope that the philanthropy movement is seen not just as wealthy people giving money away but wealthy people giving away their time, their energy and their ideas.

You have to have the passion. I could not live if I wasn't an actor. If you're just in it for beautiful dresses and movie stars, then I think you should not be an actor.

Sometimes I think the resurrection of the body, unless much improved in construction, a mistake!

The first time I tried to sing along with my guitar, everybody in the studio booed. They all said it wouldn't work.

Sometimes, it is best to listen, ask the super question, for ambition is hustle.

Nothing can replace the Olympics. I love the Olympics. I was so proud when I played in '98 and I was so proud when we won in 2002.

With anything, you have to approach from an educational, mature standpoint.