You run on the treadmill. But you need to stop watching The Food Network when you're doing it. That is how you torture yourself.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

When the world careens out of control, we can rest in the fact that God spun this world with a simple word. Matter from emptiness. Beauty from void. Community from chaos.

So where does that leave me? I like hosting the show....It’s become my identity. If that’s gone, where am I?

I'm a hopeless romantic.

In my definition I am a protest writer, with restraint.

Ethical systems are fundamentally conservative and primarily directed towards regulating interactions within communities.

When people protest and are upset with a movie, it becomes a big hit. They hated Passion of The Christ, it worked out pretty well for the box office. So let's get that going.

We live in a regime built on force and lies. In essence, it's the same here as in Uzbekistan, except the government here is better at presenting itself to the outside world.

The unphilosophical majority among men are the ones most helplessly dependent on their era's dominant ideas.

My father died when I was five, but I grew up in a strong family.

I'm sick and tired of black and white people of good intent giving aspirin to a society that is dying of a cancerous disease.