You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I think people are scared, and dumb, and selfish on their own, but put enough of them together and they'll be half-decent

We can learn to work and speak when we are afraid in the same way we have learned to work and speak when we are tired.

Such a deep silence surrounds me, that I think I hear moonbeams striking on the windows.

The rich bought wonderful clothes you recognized. The richest had their pople go to Paris and buy the entire new collection that no one outside of the fashion house has seen.

You protect your being when you love yourself better. That's the secret.

I like it when shows end intentionally, and Review, especially, has such a long form narrative that it feels like you need to give it a thoughtfully constructed finale.

An iron chain is less difficult to break than a chain of flowers.

Like the fighter, the Warrior is aware of his own immense strength; he never fights with anyone who does not deserve the honor of combat.

Everyday is an atheist holiday.

Most of the scientific community believes that for the full potential of embryonic stem cell research to be reached, the number of cell lines readily available to scientists must increase.