You see, my father was a Catholic priest, Greek Orthodox, but I think he started out as a Jew, then he became a Catholic priest.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Every actor looks all his life for a part that will combine his talents with his personality... 'The Odd Couple' was mine. That was the plutonium I needed. It all started happening after that.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

There's no such thing as 'too late!' That's why they invented death!

Why don't you do the world a favour. Pull your bottom lip up over your head and swallow.

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.

I always had one ear offstage, listening for the call from the bookie.

My mother paid eight dollars a month for rent. When she had it. Mostly we were evicted, because she couldnt afford to pay the eight dollars a month.

We're writing a book together. She just finished one. Did you read it? Among the Porcupines?

Get out of show business. Its the best advice I ever got, because Im so stubborn that if someone would tell me that, I would stay in it to the bitter end.

Lies are for adults who are sad in their lives.

The pyramid shape is said to hold many secrets and amazing properties. One of them is a sense of wonder.

Danger is the snack food of a true sleuth.

Your words are building blocks of which you construct your life and future.

I never wanted to be a dancer. It's true! I wanted to be a shortstop for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

I think if you are an outsider then you are an outsider always.

When beauty fires the blood, how love exalts the mind!

I find the selectivity of erotic love - the choice of this man or this woman - much more intelligible if liking the person is the origin of sexual interest, rather than the other way.

Any universe that could have preceded consciousness only existed in a probability state.

A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt.