You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The strength within you, divine soul, can survive any situation.

Let us act on what we have since we have not what we wish.

I have died in enough TV and films.

I really enjoy just hanging out at my house since I never get to be there.

I don't use coarse language very often. I have a larger vocabulary than that.

The key to a great story is not who, or what, or when, but why.

Generosity and gratitude are inseparably linked.

Life is complex. You don't have any person who is nice from the beginning until the end. You don't always have the notion of redemption. The bad people don't always pay.

Despite all the boosterish talk of globalization breaking down barriers, most writers in Anglo-America are still working within the nationalist assumptions of their traditionally powerful societies.

Wonder [said Socrates] is very much the affection of a philosopher; for there is no other beginning of philosophy than this.