You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I love the pure, peaceable, and impartial Christianity of Christ: I therefore hate the corrupt, slaveholding, women-whipping, cradle-plundering, partial and hypocritical Christianity of this land.

Your religion is whatever makes you a better human being.

The real heart of strategy is the strategist.

The way to be really despicable is to be contemptuous of other people's pain.

Do not deride someone's faith simply because you do not share it, Lord Cladent," Sazed said quietly.

If life is not a continuum, from conception to natural death, then all of us are potential victims if we fall out of favor with a ruling elite.

The American version of 'The Office' is fantastic.

What would happen if we listened to children as much as we talked to them?

I like to sit in the window and watch the cute boys walk by.

The only way to beat the competition is to stop trying to beat the competition