You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Har. Bloody. Har.

Most of us focus so much on 'capturing' the moment that we don't realize we keep losing it for the next which we will lose next:-)

In woods where the woodsmen told lies, maybe it was the wolves who told the truth.

It is this admirable and immortal instinct for beauty which causes us to regard the earth and its spectacles as a glimpse, a correspondence of the beyond.

A Catholic is raised with the idea that he will die any minute now and if he doesn't live his life in a certain way, this death is an introduction to an eternity of pain.

Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible.

my family, although it keeps its hair, turns gray early - a business asset but a social handicap.

I'm always shocked by the people who I'm attracted to. It's always completely random. I generally like people who are a bit crazy but yeah, that's pretty much my only prerequisite.

Capitalism should not be condemned, since we haven't had capitalism.

President Coolidge said, 'I don't want the Government to go into business.' Well, if I was Mr. Coolidge I wouldn't worry over that. The Government never has been accused of being a business man.