You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I will die kissing your mad cold mouth, embracing the lost bouquet of your body, and searching for the light of your closed eyes

I am supposed to worry about oceans rising 70 years from now, on climate models that have already proven to be utterly flawed?

I gravitate toward people that are a little more outrageous than I am. And we complement each other well.

There is no peace without forgiveness.

Older people, who just happen to have been around longer, may not be cleverer than the young, but they have seen more.

I'm as involved as I can be. Whenever I'm asked to do something, I always tend to show up.

I heard someone say he [Carl Sandburg] was the kind of writer who had everything to gain and nothing to lose by being translated into another language.

Asking Wall Street to provide financial education is the same as asking a fox to raise your chickens.

It's a good thing I don't read everything Eddie says, or I'd be up in arms and not enjoying my life.

Of course, marketing and publicity does an amazing job of prepping everybody for that, but there's nothing like sitting there and experiencing the movie.