You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

You have the capacity to do the work.

Keep your problems to yourself, if its too much for you, kill it slowly till it disappears from your life.

Life is love.

For me, my favorite trends of summer are lots of color, wedges, rompers and bright lipstick.

To bring about a fundamental, radical revolution, we must begin with ourselves.

The success of 'The Fighter' made it a lot easier to get 'Broken City' green-lit. And the buzz about 'The Fighter' also made it a lot easier to get 'Contraband' green-lit.

I was definitely ahead of my friends. I was French-kissing girls way before anybody else was.

Fall in love with someone who truly deserves your heart. Not with someone who plays with it.

I learned pretty early is I never defend my material; it's for other people to if someone is offended. It's so subjective, and if you don't find it funny, it's definitely going to be offensive.

There have always been Starkadders at Cold Comfort Farm