You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

Nothing was ever normal again.Many lives change like that -- all of a sudden, and forever.

You could write the best book in the world but if nobody knows about it, it is nothing

The worst of sages is a visitor of princes

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

Purpose! Purposes are for animals with a hell of a lot more dignity than the human race! Just hop on that strange torpedo and ride it to wherever it's going

Hard times require furious dancing. Each of us is proof.

Vanity is a motive of immense potency.

We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California.

The telephone gives us the happiness of being together yet safely apart.

In the end, I wonder if the true movement of the world might not be a voice raised in song.