You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Whoever doubt is in state of delusion.

Technology with out humanity is calamity.

Why do you have such a crappy attitude about math?""I don't. I have a crappy attitude about everything.

...I spent many, many hours in...libraries. Libraries became courts of last resort, as it were.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

I still drive my 1977 Honda Accord. The paint is almost all worn off. It's still running.

I could not blot out hope, for hope belongs to the future.

Money is never more important than your body and mind, but you must work and support yourself. Never depend on others for your livelihood.

There's time limits on how long people's attention spans will work. There's six weeks in each territory that you're really famous, then you, thank god, disappear again.

Largeness is a lifelong matter - sometimes a conscious goal, sometimes not. You enlarge yourself because that is the kind of individual you are. You grow because you are not content not to.