You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

Forget about style worry about results.

I absolutely adore Thanksgiving. It's the only holiday I insist on making myself.

We are living in a time of trouble and bewilderment, in a time when none of us can foresee or foretell the future.

Extreme sports tricks are becoming increasingly complex, the courses ever more challenging and crashes all too common.

True in the game, as long as blood is blue in my veins I pour my Heineken brew to my deceased crew on memory lane

We don’t need more ‘What if the mother is going to die’ debated, we need ‘I had an abortion because I was not ready to be a mother. It was my choice and my right. I own it. Back the f@#( up.

It's a normal way of doing business.

If words come out of the heart, they will enter the heart.

I lost myself trying to find happiness in things that didn't love me back.

The leading edge of reality is mind, and mind is the primary substratum of being.