You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Faith is such a wonderful thing. Without it, we would be panicky when we feel like we're standing alone and when the things we need and yearn for seem to be beyond our reach.

The eye of a man is never satisfied with what it sees.

As long as there are readers to be delighted with calumny there will be found reviewers to calumniate.

My fans and followers are so amazing.

I couldn't imagine a home without animals.

Anxiety must go. It must be replaced by faith and solemn confidence in the outworking of the divine plan.

All sin is selfish, whether it be lying, cheating, stealing, immorality, covetousness, or idleness. Sin is for one's own ends, not for another's-certainly not for the Lord's ends.

The mind is the result of the torments the flesh undergoes or inflicts upon itself.

Our cultural dilemma has nothing to do with children who don't read very well. It lies instead in the difficulty of finding a way to restore meaning and purpose to modern life.

A mathematical proof must be perspicuous.