You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

At the end, one didn't remember life as a whole but as just a string of moments.

While there's life there's hope.

In terms of content, you can make a problem for yourself, I mean, make the contest difficult, let's say, with certain subject matter that is inherently dramatic.

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

Don't play with something you should cherish for life.

Experimenters are the shock troops of science.

If you truly love someone, you don't judge them by their past. You leave it there. Just be happy that their future belongs to you.

There are a number of things that came out of Donald Trump so-called policy speech at Gettysburg that most of the reporters were saying were real positive things.

Writing on a contract for a major studio you get the very best.

The combination of domesticity and wildness - that's a deep expression