Young stand-ups, we ought to do comedy in George Carlin's spirit, in Richard Pryor's spirit, in Jackie Gleason's spirit, in Lucille Ball's spirit, because they did it with the spirit.

Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality.

And when I was angry, when I was younger, I was in a cocoon. Now I'm a beautiful, black butterfly.

Bad news travels at the speed of light; good news travels like molasses.

I have snakes, three sharks, moray eels, piranhas, five scorpions and a bird spider. All of them are predators. They are dangerous but it's cool to have strong and powerful pets.

I see knowledge of self. I know who I am. When I look in the mirror, I see me.

Don't follow in my footsteps. Be original, and create your own path. Be a trailblazer! Do you! Be better than me. Do you! Be happy and have joy in your life.

I love my mother. My mother made sure, her stubbornness - she made sure we was going to eat. She made sure we had Christmases. That was my mother. My father wasn't there for that.

My father said: "If you want to catch your girl cheating, you knock on the front door and run to the back, because he's coming out the back."

I love this cornbread so much, I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

I'll never forget Hurricane Katrina - the mix of a natural and a man-made catastrophe that resulted in the death of over 1, 500 of our neighbors. Millions of folks were marked by the tragedy.

I don't know if there is a one for me. I think I might like variety.

I took more hell for being fat than I did for being an absolute raging drug addict. I will never understand that.

extreme visual clarity, tunnel vision, diminished sound, and the sense that time is slowing down. this is how the human body reacts to extreme stress.

Point out the problems, as long as you have a solution. I don't like critics who aren't doers themselves.

Instead of taking full advantage of having eight women at once, I spent all my time trying to find a real girlfriend.

All sporting ambition considered, there should always be a relationship to Germany.

What humans have spontaneously identified as good and bad - or as positive and negative - are evolutionary complementations in need of more accurate identifications.

Anyone who takes a hit for Adrian Ivashkov deserves some credit.

Time is the shower of Danae; each drop is golden.