Young writers take themselves very seriously in college.

I'm not on this earth to be a goalie. I'm not here to stop somebody from accomplishing their goals. If you're not hurting anybody, I'm here to either assist or get out of the way

I eat the same way Doc Brown fuels the DeLorean at the end of Back to the Future.

It's a Vietnamese soup that answers the question, 'What happens when a former child soldier pours hot rain water over fish nightmares.' It's delicious and I can't stop eating it, that's what happens.

I was raised Catholic in the Midwest, so I cant enjoy anything.

What is there to say about ChUC other than it's a comedy show done the right way in the right space. Fantastic comics, welcoming audience. Always great.

I am somehow allowed by the universe to do exactly what I want to do to make a living.

Sometimes your dreams come true, and its a real drag.

The time that I have on this earth should just be filled with good times.

Comedy doesn't have to be loud and obnoxious and beat you over the head. It can be this really small detail that, when it computes in your brain, you think, "That's great. That's masterful."

I'm lucky I'm a comedian, 'cause otherwise my life would just be a series of undocumented low points.

He rolled his eyes. "Fiction lies for the truth.

Every Single Number on the Clock knows all my Secrets.

When it comes to war, we focus more on the mainstream coverage of the event, rather than the event itself. People dying is never funny. Protest puppets are always funny.

There is a bizarre notion according to which it is claimed that because men are corrupt, it is necessary to give certain of them all the more power... on the contrary, they must be given less power.

You must not let yourself become too respectable. Keep yourself a little wild. What is life for, if not for the living of it?

An attitude of only taking what you need was built into the protocols of the Internet itself.

Anyone interested in language ends up writing about the sociological issues around it.

What mighty woes To thy imperial race from woman rose.

You can't make jazz without using certain elements of Latin music.

In the beginning there was the word. The word was Jah. The word is in I, Jah is in I. I make what is good, better, and what is better, best. I follow this in every aspect of life.