Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

It's not love on which the strongest foundations are built. It's the decency of merciful lies.

I hate failure and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally.

We need men with moral courage to speak and write their real thoughts, and to stand by their convictions, even to the very death.

When doubt comes against us, we have to lift up the shield of faith. We do this when we open our mouth and say what God's Word says, rather than grumbling and complaining about the problem.

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

Every once in a while as an actor, you do something that the kids really like.

Really now, I just can't seem to die... Where's the messy end I was promised?

Love, one time, layeth burdens; another time, giveth wings.

One solution might be to impose the duty on admissions officers to arbitrarily admit only half women and half men.

I write thank-you notes the minute I throw the wrapping paper away.