Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Once past the comfort zone in either direction, humans soon lost the ability to discriminate bad from worse.

I feel like I have an affiliation with the '90s. I feel like a lot of things going on in fashion and pop culture were loud and outlandish.

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative

I hope to God I don't win an Oscar tomorrow night. It would really depress me if I did. I really don't deserve it. It wasn't that important a part anyhow.

Sorrow is implicit in love as gravitation is implicit in mass.

It was weird [touring with them]. It felt more like we were playing for Phoenix. They asked us because they're fans of what we do.

We are always pregnant with a truer version of ourselves.

It seems everyday I find a new road, a new person that can help my cycling better and help me understand more things. I compare cycling to life often.

Before I went to bed, I sat up till 2 a-clock in my chamber, reading of Mr. Hooke's Microscopical Observations, the most ingenious book that I ever read in my life.

It is not possible to know how much is just enough, until we have experienced how much is more than enough. (64)