Your insecurity and neediness is what makes you a big neurotic ball of comedy genius.

It seems people are more willing to let other people control their minds now and recreational drug use doesn't seem to have that same renegade sense of adventure that it once did.

I'm not for everyone. I'm barely for me.

Maybe depression is the most reasonable response to all the crap around us. Maybe it's the happy people who need medication.

That’s the big challenge of life—to chisel disappointment into wisdom so people respect you and you don’t annoy your friends with your whining.

Buying my wife a gun sort of like me saying, ' You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise'.

You can't avoid pain in life. It's how you handle pain, that's what defines you.

In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

Faith in the face of disappointment is only enhanced by laughter in the face of pain.

Empty yourself of past resentment, anger, and sadness to fill it with love and pure happiness.

Still, it was vision, or at least vision’s idiot cousin.

The burden of a porter is temporary, but the burden of a crooked politician is permanent because his conscience always carry the enormous burden of his frauds!

What in the world would we do without our libraries?

Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.

Los Angelenos dress like they've been focus-grouped.

He has a chance to make somebody move over on Mount Rushmore. He's working for his place on the coins and the postage stamps.

... for, by all the stars That tend thy bidding, I do think the bars That kept my spirit in are burst - that I Am sailing with thee through the dizzy sky! How beautiful thou art!

See, when you mess something up, you learn for the next time. It's when people compliment you that you're in trouble. That means they expect you to keep it up.

The first time I took a Kundalini yoga class, I cried my eyes out afterwards. I was so moved by the meditation and singing "Long Time Sun" at the end of class. I felt like I was home.