Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you.

Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.

That special bond you think you have with your pet is imaginary. As long as it has food and water, you could get hit by a train tomorrow, and your pet wouldn't think anything of it.

I'm really thankful and complimented when people come to me and say, thank you for the great times for all these years. But I don't think about it as being a leader.

To me, style is consistency.

Life is a maze of doors and they all open from the side you're on. Just keep on pushing hard boy, try as you may, you're going to wind up where you started from.

Nothing again. No one is listening. No one is waiting to hear the kicking of a man above. It is unexpected. You have no ears for someone like me.

I was as content Off-Broadway as I was in a big Hollywood movie, and, I just try to be content wherever I am, you know.

There is more at stake here than just our lives. It is the lives around us.

Don't be different. Different scares people. People won't spend their money on different. They will, however, pay a premium for unique.

I still have a lot of room for improvement. For example, I want to shoot equally well with both feet.

What a liberal really wants is to bring about change that will not in any way endanger his position.

Once a decision is reached, stop worrying and start working.