Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

What a strange world. We trade our days for things.

Some writers enjoy writing, I am told. Not me. I enjoy having written.

No beautiful aspect of humankind is foreign to person with a lucid soul.

All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.

All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others.

Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.

I waved to you outside but then I realized it was just one of those inflatable parking lot gorillas.

When you were a tadpole and I was a fish, in the Palæozoic time And side by side in the sluggish tide, we sprawled in the ooze and slime.

The only positive benefit of the injury to Flintoff may be the end of his captaincy ambitions

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.