Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If you stop learning, you start dying.

I don't read fiction at all.

The ocean is tired. It's throwing back at us what we're throwing in there.

I love having fans of all ages but it's especially cool for me to have young fans. I hope to be a role model for kids who want to follow their dreams.

I'm still really into set design and construction when I do films. I notice that stuff.

The only way to pass any test is to take the test. All tests on every level are always repeated one way or another until you pass.

Water, water, everywhere, And all the boards did shrink; Water, water, everywhere, Nor any drop to drink.

You go through big chunks of time where you're just thinking, 'this is impossible - oh,this is impossible'. And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible.

A preacher who is too big for a little crowd would be too little for a big crowd.

It is almost impossible to state what one in fact believes, because it is almost impossible to hold a belief and to define it at the same time.