hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse')

I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.

Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.

If someone like this were to like me, to like my comedy, and to like the way I conduct myself professionally, it would mean that I suck as a person.

Water IS the most important element on the face of the earth, because without water, there would be no WINE and without WINE I would be living in a PADDED CELL!

If I had learned education I would not have had time to learn anything else.

I am proactive and looking to change my own behavior rather than others' - which is generally much more successful!

History may be accurate. But archaeology is precise.

I think that's what all art is for - for people to express what it is to be human. That's the purpose of it.

I don't know the traffic regulations of every city I get to either, but I manage to drive through without being arrested.

A desire to succeed in politics is propelled by these two seemingly contradictory forces, which frequently change places and sometimes coexist: to save others and to save oneself.

Arabs and their allies are conducting a total war against Israel. A total war means a war of lies. The PA [Palestinian Authority] promotes lies; lying in Islam is permitted.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Over time, the more we bring China into the world, the more the world will bring freedom to China.