... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Strong words outlast the paper they are written upon.

Do what you have to do when you have to do it, so that you can do what you want to do when you want to do it.

Perfection isn't everything, " she said as she turned and walked away. "I think the flaws are what make it perfect.

Daddy had a strict rule about firearms. Anything we killed we had to eat. No amount of barbecue sauce would make a hairy guy like you palatable.

While democracy in the long run is the most stable form of government, in the short run, it is among the most fragile.

To get God on your side is a great way to feel powerful.

The effect of every burden laid down is to leave us relieved; and when the soul has laid down that of its faults at the feet of God, it feels as though it had wings.

In order to change the world, I guess a person would have to really get his head together first before he can say anything to the world, to change it.

I like to think of characters in relation to other cinematic characters.

My measure of success is to walk into a restaurant and hear a table debating drug policy. Once the public start the conversation, the politicians will join - that is when we can create real change.