... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Love holds the key to every heart.

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.

My designs are meant to attract the hand as well as the eye.

We must guard against becoming so engrossed in the specific nature of the roots and bark of the trees of knowledge as to miss the meaning and grandeur of the forest they compose.

Every Christian is called to preach the gospel. We need to take the commission seriously.

We're not ordinary, you don't want to be ordinary.

I thought my Jesus Piece was so harmless 'Till I see a picture of a shorty armless

I think my biggest problem was, as a celebrity on a TV show, you get an inflated ego and you think you're the center of the universe.

It's probably even the case that if you stoked up some Buddhist monks with tons of testosterone, they'd become wildly competitive as to who can do the most acts of random kindness.

Every month I look through some ten thousand games, so not as to miss any new ideas and trends.