keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Do what ought to be done, here and now, to get you somewhere — anywhere.

We can understand the inherent radiance & purity of our minds by understanding metta. Like the mind, metta is not distorted by what it encounters.

The philosopher cannot seriously put to himself questions that his civilization has not lived.

It was a crying shame!

After you've done 60-something movies, you're always looking for something different.

The less money and time you have, the more you haveto plan ahead and be careful about your coverage. It's like a gas:it expands or contracts depending on the size of the container.

Take away God and religion, and men live to no purpose, without proposing any worthy end of life to themselves.

Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health.

Don't put your all into someone if they treat you like dirt.