moving on is a gift you give yourself.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Don’t become bigoted about bigots.

Creativity comes from curious, intuitive, persistent action.

Why not laugh again, and let your joy be my monument?

If you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully

Fools die happy. The happy die young. The young die foolish.

Your homecoming will be my homecoming

Raven! What are you doing up so late? You have school tomorrow!"..."But I thought it was just the one time?

The nice thing about political pundits is that, when they answer a question, one no longer understands what they were asked.

I am confident that Saansad Adarsh Gram Yojana will open the doors of good politics.

It's important that women support women. It gives me a great sense of well-being to know that I can make a difference in people's lives.