not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Write your own story, preferably in tattoos.

If shame had a face, I think it would kind of looked like mine... If it had a home, would it be my eyes?

The reason why I like theater is because it's a long journey, and no matter what role you play, we are all in it together.

Profit is a by-product of work; happiness is its chief product.

The permanent mental attitude which the sensitive intelligence derives from philosophy is an attitude that combines extreme reverence with limitless skepticism.

If we took over Britain, then we'd have the job of cleaning up the bourgeoisie and keeping people in a revolutionary state of mind.

Many people are so poor because the only thing they have is money.

I should deem a man-of-war incomplete without a body of Marines...imbued with that esprit that has so long characterized the "Old Corps."

The notion of a world government to defend our rights would have sent the founding fathers running for their muskets.

You gotta keep the ball off the fat part of the bat.