...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Will people not be thrown face down into Hell only on account of the harvest of their tongue?

It was impossible not to fall in love with him.

You don't know what the pattern of flour and chicken is going to be, but you know you're going to get some good fried chicken.

No one yet knows what awaits the Jews in the twenty-first century, but we must make every effort to ensure that it is better than what befell them in the twentieth, the century of the Holocaust.

As a profession advertising is young; as a force it is as old as the world.

The saddest thing in life is people with sight, but without vision.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

Are there any celebs I'd like to meet? I'd love to meet the Dalai Lama.

The boy told himself that, on the way toward realizing his own destiny, he had learned all he needed to know, and had experienced everything he might have dreamed of.

I do object to the sensationalism or even the voyeurism of doing things in church or out of church.